I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
You Might Also Like
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Jurassic park gets weird
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
are they though??
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT