her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
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What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?