Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.