A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
🙂🙃🥹
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
me 2 months after i graduated
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I have a type: disappointing