I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
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*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*