Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
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What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
*seductively corrects your posture*
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car