Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
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catch me on valentine’s day like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste