Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
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Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Me redecorating every room in my mind
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.