Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
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great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
He-man has a Masters degree
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
life finds a way
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*