[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
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[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
😂😂😂
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*