If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
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When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Bruh PLEASE
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid