I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
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My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
nature’s most graceful animal
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.