“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.