FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
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[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
ME: Ha ha bro why is your wife named Purse Phone?
HADES: That isnt… thats not how you say it
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?