When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
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Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
guilty
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.