Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
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But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
it be like that
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter