Ha
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When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
i did the math
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
So true for me
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.