Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
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Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000