41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
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nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.