While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
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The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Whoa 😂
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not