my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
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Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Worth a try
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.