I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.