If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
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Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain