I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
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me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
dude it’s called proctologist
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation