That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
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[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.