I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
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I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
I know