Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
You Might Also Like
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol