My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’