The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
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Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
We need more people like this.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Gross if literal…Liverpool
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol