We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
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I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.