It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
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I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
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I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.