[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
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Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me