If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
You Might Also Like
gentlemen, hear me out
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast