Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Don’t crossbreed an owl with a duck,
The offspring is naught but a schmuck,
You might start overjoyed,
But you’ll soon be annoyed,
By all the incessant wise quacks.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.