The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.