Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
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I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.