I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
You Might Also Like
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like