152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
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[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom