[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
You Might Also Like
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*