PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time