Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
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Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.