If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”