were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
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A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
At least try to make it slightly believable
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.