Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
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One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My background check bounced.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Snapes on a plane.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.