*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
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I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
This came to me in a dream.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.