Something Saturday.
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Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
HR said no more nunchucks.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.