Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
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my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Deli counter guy told me bad things happen in 3’s after he dropped his phone and bumped his head, so I complained about him to management.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.