My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
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911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night