Practicing safe sax
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Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
I’ll be mad as hell!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Can’t stop laughing
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.