A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
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y’all I’m about to get violent cuz wtf
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
fair
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Dance like you’re not the father
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe